Ponder what it will mean to eliminate all negativity from your communication with each other. Negativity as in criticisms, putdowns, name calling, abusive language and abusive treatment, and treating your partner in a way of “You are not OK”, is destructive to a relationship. Of course, this applies to all relationships, especially to your children.
I hope you have considered what No Negativity means. Below is my explanation.
No Negativity Rule
What does this mean? It means that you use, No/None/Zero negativity in your communications with your partner, (actually this should be for anyone as well).
A question I often get is does that mean I can never get angry? Never express anger? The answer is No it does not mean that. What it does mean is that all anger, frustrations, disappointments, hurts, etc. will be expressed respectfully. Using your Adult ego state, rather than your Rebellious Child ego state.
For example, rather than yelling, slamming doors, name calling, putting down, and being disrespectful in any way, you would say something like…I am feeling ______can I tell you about it? Can I tell you what I would like to be different? Our relationship means a lot to me, and I love you, therefore I do not want to have bad feelings between us. Let’s talk this through so we can clear this up and make what positive changes we need to make so we can continue to grow together. Then you can proceed to use the Couples Dialogue above to discuss the issue.
Why would I need to do that? Repeated negativity as above is a killer to love. It will in time destroy your relationship. When you use negativity you will hurt the other person’s Child ego state. That destroys trust and feelings of safety, and in time loving feelings will die. One or both will get to a point where you feel and say; “ I don’t feel like I love you anymore”. It will in time lead to breakups and divorce.
In addition, it is important to say… We all need to take responsibility for our own feelings. Yes, often what the other person does evokes or triggers your feelings, however, you have a choice as to what you feel, and how strongly you feel it, plus a choice as to how you react.
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In addition, when something the other person does triggers you it may well have something to do with your past. This is known as transference. For example, when I am told what to do, it reminds me of my mother who often told me what to do. Not a good feeling! It is important for me to recognize that my feeling has to some extent, to do with my past, and not over-react to what is happening in the present.
This leads to a whole new chapter to come later. Imago theory enlightens us as to why we are attracted to someone who reminds us of our parent’s most negative aspects of their character. It is part of the spiritual and healing part of relationships. We unconsciously choose a partner that is like our most difficult parent so we can use them to work out the issues from our past. Sounds a bit scary I know!
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